Why is it so hard for women to ask for help?

Research shows that one of the biggest reasons people avoid asking for help isn't a lack of need—it's a fear of how they'll be perceived. In their study, Why Didn't You Just Ask? Underestimating the Discomfort of Help-Seeking, researchers Vanessa K. Bohns and Francis J. Flynn found that people consistently overestimate how uncomfortable it will be to ask for help and underestimate how willing others are to provide it.

In other words, we create stories in our minds about being judged, rejected, or becoming a burden. Most of the time, those stories aren't true.

For women, the challenge often runs even deeper.

Many women have been conditioned to be caregivers, problem-solvers, and the reliable person everyone else depends on. We feel good when we are being independent, resilient, and capable. While those qualities are strengths, they can quietly transform into a belief that we should be able to handle everything ourselves.

Researcher Janine van der Rijt explored this dynamic in Asking for Help: A Relational Perspective on Help Seeking in the Workplace. Her work found that employees often avoid seeking support when they fear it may impact how others view their competence or capabilities. In professional environments, asking for help can feel risky because many people worry it will make them appear less knowledgeable or less qualified.

Women often carry this pressure both professionally and personally. At work, they may feel the need to continually prove themselves. At home, they may feel responsible for everyone else's needs before considering their own.

The result?

Many women become experts at carrying heavy loads while quietly struggling underneath them.

When One Experience Changes Everything

Let’s go back to 2022. I was planning a Galgiving event. It was like a Galentine’s but for Thanksgiving. It was going to be a beautiful self-love and gratitude event and we’d come together and raise money for a local domestic violence organization. 

I was off to the races. I was securing sponsors, scheduling media interviews and so much more. I know that working with someone is better than working alone so I got together with a friend of a friend who planned successful events. She hadn’t hosted an event for a while, so I felt it was perfect timing to approach her. We could come together and create something special.

By the end of call it was clear she had no desire to collaborate with me, but she did want to speak at the event. I was crushed. A fire was also lit in me. I’d do this event on my own and raise a huge amount of money for the organization. 

It was two weeks before the event and I had sold three tickets. Three tickets! As you can imagine I was worried out of my mind and under so much pressure. Long Tory short, I rescheduled the event for February. Ok this is now a Galentine’s event. I informed the sponsors and vowed to find more women to attend come February.

As the date of the event approached I was panicking again. Not because tickets weren’t saying, but because I had so much to do. I had turned down help from my husband, the domestic violence organization, and friends. After I was burned in November I didn’t trust that people were really going to help me.

One disappointing interaction had convinced me that I was safer doing everything myself. So I carried the weight alone.

The Connection Between Trust and Help

Looking back, I realize the issue wasn't capability. I knew how to plan events, how to execute and how to solve problems. The issue was trust.

When someone lets us down, rejects us, or fails to show up the way we hoped they would, we often create a story:

I can only count on myself.

Research from Shai Davidai's study Going at It Alone: Zero-Sum Beliefs Inhibit Help-Seeking suggests that people are less likely to seek support when they believe success is a limited resource or when they question whether others genuinely want to help them succeed.

For many women, that belief is reinforced by past experiences. A broken promise. A disappointing partnership. A time when vulnerability was met with criticism instead of support.

Self-reliance becomes more than a skill. It becomes armor. The problem is that armor protects us from support just as effectively as it protects us from disappointment.

How to Ask for Help When You've Been Let Down Before

If you've ever been disappointed by someone who didn't show up the way you hoped they would, you know that asking for help again can feel incredibly vulnerable.

The fear isn't really about the task, it's about the possibility of being let down again. But healing doesn't happen by convincing yourself you'll never need anyone. Healing happens by learning how to trust yourself enough to ask again.

Here are a few ways to begin.

1. Separate One Experience From Everyone Else

One person's response is not evidence that everyone will respond the same way.

When my event collaboration didn't work out, I unconsciously created a story that said, "People won't help me." 

The truth was much different, one person didn't want to collaborate. Several others were actively offering support. Before you assume no one will help, ask yourself:

Am I responding to what's happening now, or to what happened before?

2. Start Small

Trust is rebuilt in small moments. Ask a coworker to review a document, a friend for feedback or your partner to handle one task. Each positive experience helps teach your nervous system that support is available and safe.

3. Be Specific About What You Need

One reason asking for help feels overwhelming is because we're often unclear about what we actually need.

Instead of saying:

"I need help with this event."

Try:

"Would you be willing to contact three potential sponsors?"

Or:

"Can you help me organize registration on the day of the event?"

Specific requests are easier for others to say yes to and easier for you to receive.

4. Give People the Opportunity to Show Up

Many women are incredibly generous when others need support, yet when the roles are reversed, we deny people the same opportunity. When someone offers to help, try resisting the urge to immediately say, "I've got it."

Instead, pause and consider whether accepting support might actually strengthen the relationship. People often feel valued when they can contribute.

Receiving can be a gift, too.

5. Expect Imperfection

Sometimes we don't ask for help because we worry others won't do things exactly the way we would.

And you’re right. They probably won't do a task the same way you would. But help doesn't have to be perfect to be valuable. If someone completes a task 80% of the way you would have done it, that may still be far better than carrying 100% of the burden yourself.

Progress often requires releasing perfection.

6. Remember That Courage Isn't the Absence of Fear

Fear may still be present when you ask for help. That's normal. Courage isn't waiting until you feel completely safe, it’s asking despite the uncertainty.

Every time you ask for support, you're challenging the belief that you have to carry everything alone. And every time you allow someone to show up for you, you're creating evidence that the story can be different.

One Last Thing

The strongest women I know aren't the ones who never need help. They're the ones who have learned that strength and support can coexist. They know when to lead. They know when to carry the load, and they know when to let someone else carry part of it with them.

Because the goal was never to prove you could do everything alone, the goal is to build a life, a business, and a community where you don't have to.

Always Remember,  

You’re not alone in this .

Katie